Stop Walking, Start Talking

I think one of the biggest and most damaging characteristic of any given relationship is our ability to walk away without talking things out. A small problem, a big problem, a fight, an argument over something as silly as where to go for dinner – how many times have we all walked away from a sticky situation and allowed it to manifest itself into something bigger? Why are we, as humans so quick to walk away rather than confront, deal, and talk things out? I’m trying to figure this one out, and from my own experience, when I’ve confronted a problematic scenario, I’ve found that misunderstandings can be cleared, relationships can be salvaged, and friendships can be saved, even though at the time, it seems as though it looks a bit…despondent.

As humans we have this innate ability to bottle up our emotions, because we don’t want to show we are vulnerable. That vulnerability is linked to weakness. That we as humans are tough as nails and can handle everything on our own. I want to say that everyone wants to show that they don’t need to figure shit out with another person’s help, but the truth is, sometimes, talking with another human can help.  A lot of problems have been solved by speaking up, and have cleared several misunderstandings.

We squabble pretty much all the time, even if it is over the silliest of reasons. It’s human nature to fight with one another, and at times it causes more drama than necessary. There have been moments where we walk away from it all, with the assumption that we’ve been given the short end of the stick, and everyone else is wrong. It is this very assumption that has been hurtful in countless relationships, and caused more harm than good, and has gone to such an extent that it has permanently severed relationships.

There might be a time you’ve suddenly stopped hearing from one of your closest mates, and you can’t figure why. You’ve walked away from the situation and left it hanging and neither of you is reaching out. Fine. Take a week to cool off, take two weeks even – but don’t let it simmer to the point that both parties stop caring. Irrevocable damage over something that could have been talked through is not the price you want to pay, and if it sacrifices your friendship? Is it worth it?

Communication between two people is so important, and we, as humans living in this technology fueled day and age will send a text, a passive aggressive facebook status update, a tweet, post a quote, hoping it will get the person to reach out and start talking – and I’m guilty of it too, but honestly – it doesn’t work. We’ve lost the ability to sit down and have an open and honest discussion with a person we’ve had a fight with, and instead we prefer to ‘leave the drama behind’ and stop speaking altogether.

If talking face to face isn’t your thing, then go ahead and write a letter. I find that if you can’t articulate what you want to say properly, then put it down on paper. Let your thoughts flow, and put it down so that the person knows exactly what you’re feeling. It can help a lot, because when there’s an uninterrupted flow of thoughts, it’s easier to let it out and write and express yourself. But let the person know what has gone wrong, don’t just assume they know, because it could be something completely different to what you’ve actually had in mind – which leads to even more misunderstandings and a lot more hurt and pain.

If there’s something that’s bothering you and you haven’t told the person about it, and haven’t been communicating with them, it’s obvious that there’s going to be a lot of wires crossed. And then it leads to neither parties wanting to make the effort (or waiting for the other to say something), and the it suddenly becomes too late to resolve anything, and that’s one more relationship damaged because both of us waited for far too long. Why are humans so fundamentally idiotic at times, that they allow a good thing to go away?

One thing I have learnt over time, is that if people walk away and don’t come back to resolve any kind of pressing matter, they were probably never meant to be in our lives anyway. They didn’t care enough to want to make amends, and instead of communicating, they decided it was best to leave things be, and just let it go. Don’t allow that to happen to you, don’t let yourself lose what is precious to you, just because you waited too long to have that conversation. Be kind. Be good, talk to people – for you have no idea the struggles that they are going through.

Peace.

Shilpa x

It’s time to shine in 2017!

Happy 2017 everyone!

I’m back with a new year of ramblings and musings, and this time I’m hoping they’re a bit more inspirational, fun, and humorous.

Every year brings about new changes and challenges, lots of ups and downs but it boils down to whether we’ve grown from the previous year’s experiences or we’re still stuck in the same routined life. I had a bit of a poke around and then sort of threw together a few possible new things you could try doing in 2017 that perhaps is a little outside of your comfort zone.

  • Leave the negativitiy of 2016 in 2016.
    So much easier said and done I know. Bad experiences? Learn and move on from them. It’s always nice to start afresh so don’t carry forward into the new year anything that was weighing you down previously.
  • Instead of whining about everything, appreciate the positives.
    If I had a dime every time someone told me, “I still feel so upset over….” I’d be a billionaire. I whine sometimes. I crib and grumble, but I do not use it in every day conversation. So try this: instead of wallowing in self-pity and finding every reason to complain, start a conversation with, “I’m really glad I got to…”, not only will you emanate positivity, you will make people want to be around you and share your joy.
  • Take a solo holiday.
    I cannot stress how much important this is. A solo holiday puts a lot of things into perspective, and gives you a fresh lease on life. It opens your eyes to endless possibilities and more so, it makes you go to new and exciting places. And you’ll want to do it again. And again.
  • Letting things be as they are in this moment and time.
    If something good is happening in your life don’t try and accelerate it. I know that the intial excitement of something finally falling into place is a moment of pure joy and we want it to just all come together overnight. There’s a reason we are in this space and time and things are taking their time to unfold. Don’t try and ruin it and push for answers. They WILL come to you when it’s their time.
  • Leave behind the people that constantly weigh you down with their drama and toxicity.
    It might be a really close friend that you love unconditionally, an acquaintance, or even a work colleague. You’ve been there for them, but at some point their constant drama, their constant negativity, their constant toxic thoughts ends up bringing you down. Don’t let them be part of the new year. Have them around, but keep them at a distance.
  • Do not chase love.
    It is so easy to believe that if you want someone so badly that nothing keep you two apart – to the point it consumes you and you start obsessing and thinking over every gesture, text, phone call. Don’t. Don’t chase it. If it is meant to happen, and if the two of you know what you want, and are on the same wavelength, then it will happen. Don’t force it, it will all fall into place at the moment it is supposed to.
  • It is never too late to study, complete that degree, or take up a new language.
    I love studying. I love languages. Call me a nerd. And anyone who wants to take up a course, or finish off a degree they started, or even add another degree to their repetoire, has my vote. You don’t have to “finish” your studies by 25 because you “need to get married”, or some other rubbish like that. Did you want to take up a degree in journalism? Did you want to learn French? Don’t listen to anyone – DO it. Take up that art course, take up that music lesson – the world is rich with possibilities, do what makes YOU happy.
  • Curb the self-hate and self-loathing.
    I’m guilty of self-loathing. And I keep telling myself that I look terrible, I am fat and I’m just worthless. Someone very dear to me told me that it upset them when I was so self-deprecating. And then I realized, I’m giving out a really pathetic vibe when I’m saying this. So if you feel down on yourself and hate something about yourself, remember you are beautiful the way you are. Change if you truly want to, but the ones who care about you the most will love you unconditionally no matter what. Remember that.
  • Do something spontaneous for the people you care about.
    Pick up the phone and call someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Say “I love you” unexpectedly to your parents, say ‘thank-you’ to a friend for having your back. They won’t expect it and it’s just a little spontaneous gesture that will make their day just that much better. Or, if you can manage it – book a flight. Go visit a friend who you haven’t seen in a while. Cook a favorite meal for your partner. Tell them how much you appreciate what they do for you… Just do something at the spur-of-the-moment, it is fun, refreshing and brings tremendous amount of happiness to people around you.
  • Spare a hug.
    I’m a hugger. Hugs for me are almost cathartic, and they make me feel warm and fuzzy. I give them to people because I know that sometimes, someone just needs it. Try it. You never know who might feel just that much happier after one.
  • If you’ve made a mistake, accept it but don’t try and prove you’re always right.
    We all make some pretty big errors, and that’s really very okay. However, instead of going on the defensive and trying to deflect, accept it. Embrace it. If you’ve hurt someone, ask them for forgiveness, without diving into too much of a defensive explanation and then move on. You’ll have a happier heart.
  • Make a fun style change.
    Change your hair color. Cut your hair. Add extensions. Buy new make up. Splurge on an item of clothing that is a little different to what you usually wear but is bold and refreshing. It doesn’t have to be a major change, but try something new just to jazz things up a bit and I guarantee you will get a boost of confidence.
  • Let go of the idea that everyone is talking about you.
    There are people who do enjoy being mean-spirited or having a tendency to be two-faced. And that’s alright. That is how they bide their time, and you can’t stop it. However, please let go of the notion that every time friends get together without you, they’re discussing you, they’re discussing your shortcomings and they’re basically conspiring against you. You’ll not only drive yourself crazy, you might drive other people crazy too.
  • You can’t please everyone.
    I learnt this the hard way. I learnt that even if people are lovely to your face, they could have a nasty thing to say about you behind your back. Don’t ever think that you shouldn’t do something because xyz may not approve. Don’t hold back. Do what you love, and do it without hesitation. Not everyone will like it, but that is a risk you need to take – as long as you know you aren’t hurting people in the bargain and intentionally stepping on toes.
  • Let 2017 be the year you give more time to yourself.
    Spare some time to focus on your well-being. It could be taking time off social media. It could be self-reflection time. It could be picking up a book and finding a quiet corner and reading. We are all so caught up in our lives, with work and other committments that we neglect looking after ourselves and taking some time out just to be at peace and at one with ourselves. Take half an hour out of your busy day and focus on you, and you’ll notice that you feel a sense of calm when you spend that time alone.
  • If you are broken, take the time to heal.
    Bad relationships, a broken heart, a toxic friendship – lots of things could have hurt you in the previous year. Allow yourself to heal and mend in this year. Allow yourself to cry and feel hurt, but pick yourself up and fix those broken pieces. Forgive the ones that hurt you, even if they aren’t in your life, and most importantly – FORGIVE YOURSELF.
  • Be carefree, fierce and happy.
    Find your inner happiness. Be carefree. Stop over-analysing everything before you do it. Be confident, strong and embrace life with all it’s moments and accept that everything doesn’t change, and you aren’t expected to change it for anyone. Don’t change yourself to ‘fit’ with your partner, don’t rely on the best laid plans, and most importantly – do what you love and love what you do.

Hope 2017 is your year to shine.
Love,

Shilpa
XOXO

 

 

 

 

 

‘Tis The Season To Be Jolly… Or Reflective.

I know that it is the season to be jolly and to be thankful. I for the most part am.

However, I am overcome with an impending sense of sadness that is inexplicable.

Without delving further into the year that was – and you and I both know we’ve had a rather topsy-turvy one – I am trying to figure what it is that is actually troubling me at this rather special and joyous time of the year.

I apologize truly, for this seemingly dreary start – but I hope you take a minute to read this and realize that I’m not unhappy, I’m just overwhelmed with an overhaul of emotions that honestly don’t make sense.

I love life, and I love living it to the fullest – and once again, for the most part, I have literally shoved out what everyone else thinks and done things on my terms. However, I’m still in the process of building some kind of confidence – and it hasn’t for the most part been very easy. Shards of negativity, questions of self-doubt and self-loathing, and sometimes ‘Did I piss someone off?’ still creep in, although not half as much as before but these are still thoughts looming over my head. And I know it’s completely stupid because it’s all in my head, but when you’ve done it as long as I have, it takes some time to get over. But the important bit is – I’m TRYING.

The holidays are a very happy time of year, people who live away from their families are back together, and there’s a lot of traveling and movement. I spent the first week of my holidays in Dubai and caught up with friends old and new, and it was refreshing. Beer, good food, good laughs, and really large sized dinners – it was some of the nicest days I’ve had in this extraordinary city.

However, on one of the days, I was suddenly filled with a sense of overwhelming sadness. And also a feeling of being completely alone. For some reason, I couldn’t shake it off – and then it hit me – I think it was owing to the fact that I was looking at people having family, friends, and loved ones by their side sharing this special moment and here I was, gallivanting in one of the most opulent cities – by myself.

And suddenly, out of nowhere, there was insecurity, the over-thinking, and the feeling of people not wanting me around. I expect that it was my brain over analyzing something that was said to me, but I was beginning to feel a bit crappy. I think partly, it had to do with learning that some of the people I considered ‘friends’ had been laughing behind my back, some not so close friends anymore had taken it upon themselves to say rubbish about me to anyone who would lend an ear. And then post passive-aggressive messages about it – and giving me the feeling that some of my other friends were keeping their distance.

So, I’ve taken it upon myself to stop worrying about what the ‘herd’ think. They were never really mine to start with, so why should it bother me what they think? I’m just sorry that they had so much time to invest in speaking about others.
I also clearly recognize that other ‘friends’ have proven themselves to be back stabbers as they’ve maligned my name – so why am I so concerned?

I’m not made of steel, I have feelings, and I am human. I make mistakes, I say things that people use as a joke at my expense, and yes, I’ve allowed to be malleable enough to listen to everyone else except myself. But that really does not mean that people constantly use it as a dinner party conversation.

So to combat all of this, the one thing I have done is allowed myself to feel all these emotions – but not let them take over my every thought. If something is upsetting me with respect to a friend/or someone that I care about, I’ve dealt with the problem head on, rather than allowing it to manifest to a point that it gets ugly. And for the people that have been laughing in my direction, I’ve sort of just let them carry on. I’m glad that I inject humor into their lives. It makes me feel happy.

So although I have probably had a few hits and misses with people, there are a few folk out there who’ve taken the time to actually get to know me, and accepted my flaws, my little nuances and stuck around. It’s refreshing. Of course, there are other friends that have been in my life forever, have disappeared and that’s fine too. I suppose it has to do with people changing, and attitudes changing – some of us are stuck in a rut of emotions, and some of us decided to make an actual effort to change our attitudes to make ourselves happier.

If there’s one thing I can impress upon you, is that we are all where we are in this place and time because it is the right thing for us. It is all part of something wonderful that will unfold in its own time, and we shouldn’t force or rush it. It’s very calming to know that every day, every minute of now is an opportunity we shouldn’t let go by, and grab as soon as we can. Who knows where it will take us?

So I hope, that given a dreary start to this post – which I apologize for again – you understand that I’m not unhappy, but I’m allowing myself to feel what I want to, and then letting it go. Holding on to anything, having grudges is negative and unhealthy and it’s not something I want end the year on, and start the new year with – considering for the last 3 years, I’ve been made to feel like absolute rubbish by people – and that is going to change in 2017, because no matter what happens, I’m going in with the attitude that life is too short, and the only way is UP. I’m fulfilling my dreams and becoming the best version of me, and I hope you will too.

So for the last time this year, be fierce.
Seasons Greetings and Happy 2017.
Much love and see you next year,
Shilpa xoxo

Loving me is tricky but you being there makes me a better person

I’m the kind of person that loves with her heart, and I give will 120%.
I know that sometimes I’m not the easiest person to deal with, but stick it out with me, and you’ll realize that all the ups and downs are nothing compared to how happy we will be.

There are days I might be a little more dramatic than you want to deal with.
There are days where I might lose my temper because of one tiny insignificant thing you said.
There are days I will just want my own space and not want anyone around.

But all this time, I am still thinking of you and how much I love you.

There are times where I might be unreasonable, I might even shout at you for something that logically makes no sense.
There will be days I will want your undivided attention even if I know you are busy.
When I ask you what you want for dinner, and you can’t make up your mind, it annoys me. And on some days I will make it known to you.
When I wear that dress and ask you how if I look fat and you say “no”, I might still get upset and say you’re not telling me the truth.

But even if I’m mad at you, I know that one look from you and I will forget everything and realize that you are my person.

I’m transparent, I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I’m upset, you will see it in my eyes and on my face. I will say what’s on my mind, and there are days I will sound illogical, but this is me.

You accepted me with all my shortcomings when you met me.

I can be myself around you, and I know you won’t leave. When I’m angry, you listen to me and tell me that you understand, and even if you don’t, just your presence and tone of voice makes me feel like you do.

I may be the girl that can be unreasonable at times, but I will always be by your side when you need me.
I will be the girl who knows that after a long day at work, you need some down time.
I’ll have your dinner ready when you walk through that door, and your favorite beverage.
I will be the girl that will ask you about your day and listen.
I will be the girl who will understand that silence speaks louder than words and all I can do is come and lie next to you.
I will be the girl who will hug you and shower you with kisses, because I can.
I will be the one who will support you through your dark days and your good ones, and be there the best way I can.
I will be the girl that will be silly, and try and make you laugh when you’re having a bad day.
I will always be loyal to you and defend you when others may not be kind.
I will love you unconditionally and do everything I can to make you happy. This is my promise.

I may be a handful at times, but I know that you being with me makes me happier than I’ve ever been, makes me a better person, and you make my world complete.

 

 

25 things I learnt in my thirty fifth year on this planet

2016 has been the year of extremes and for the most part it hasn’t been the ‘greatest’ year. However, it was a milestone year for me – I turned 35 and in that, I realized that I had a pretty great life, even if at times it felt like I was at the point of no return. Of course, 2016 has been the year of unprecedented number of deaths – Prince, David Bowie, Leonard Cohen, Cristina Grimmie, to name a few – Google says that there have been 76 so far. There’s also been one of the greatest upsets in world history – Donald Trump being elected as President of the United States so yes, it’s been a crazy ride so far.

But in all of this madness I discovered that there is beauty, and happiness and something positive. I did some soul-searching and some quiet reflection and I came up with a list of things that I learnt as I’ve progressed through my 35th year:

  1. 35 does NOT mean you’re ‘over the hill’ or past the age of marriage

    Age is just a number. Wouldn’t you rather find the proverbial perfect fit for you rather than succumb to societal pressure and marry the one they think is right for you? Rather than being stuck in a loveless marriage – because divorce is still not something that’s looked upon kindly – wouldn’t you wait and be with that person that makes your world really complete? YES.

  2. Travel alone

    I’ve iterated this point a fair few times and I will reiterate it again – traveling alone is one of the most rewarding experiences in the world. Choosing a destination that you haven’t been to, exploring the culture and soaking in the sights, and finding time to be with yourself is a breath of fresh air. It is quite the journey of rediscovery, and at times you will end up surprising yourself, in a good way.

  3. Don’t ever succumb yourself by becoming a victim of emotional abuse.

    There are several definitions of emotional abuse but in a nutshell it simply means that in a relationship the partner begins to make you feel useless, worthless, and shatters your self-esteem and confidence, making you question yourself and your actions. I mistook these signs as him wanting me to be a better version of myself, but in hindsight, he used every tactic to make me feel completely inadequate. Don’t let anyone make you feel small and insignificant, they don’t care about you – they just need someone malleable to mold to their convenience.

  4. Spending just a little more time with the family

    I’ve always been a family girl, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that time with mom and dad is ever so precious. I don’t know where life is going to take me, so I utilize a part of my weekend to spend time with them – by having a lunch date with them every Saturday, taking mom shopping or just doing little things around the house with them. I know they mean well, so even if it feels that they’re constantly going on about stuff, I just laugh and smile with them, rather than argue. It makes home life that much more peaceful. And they appreciate it.

  5. I’ve stopped trying to be a people-pleaser

    My school days shaped a core of what my life has become today – as someone constantly made fun of, I tried everything to ‘fit in’. Through most of my 20’s and up until very recently I tried to do everything that would make people be happy with me, and make them like me rather than doing something I wanted to do. Sometimes it worked well, but most of the time I felt like I was living for other people, rather than myself. Now, I do things for ME, rather than everyone else. I feel that much happier and satisfied.

  6. I don’t over think every tiny detail

    This was one thing I realized that was keeping me from having good healthy relationships. Instead of spending time fretting and worrying over every tiny thing, I’ve started going with the flow – My friend is having a bad day today, I’ll ask her if she’s okay – rather than me thinking, ‘Why is she upset? What did I say? Did I offend her? Damn I know it’s my fault.’ Just, let go. There are plenty of bigger things to worry about so why burden yourself and those around you with pointless things that are probably really just a figment of your imagination? It’s going to harm you and your relationships with other people.

  7. Smile a bit more

    Okay sure, this seems a bit far fetched but I’ve found that a smile is more rewarding than we like to think. Having a bad day? Everything seems to be going wrong? Think of one good moment in your life. I’d be damned if that didn’t make you smile. Every time you feel low, try this. And you’ll see how infectious that smile really is.

  8. It’s always healthy in indulge in humorous banter and exchanges

    Sometimes you just end up laughing a hell of a lot more when you exchange in healthy, yet humorous banter. I have found that when you use the tiniest of self-deprecating humor, it’s a lot of fun and it keeps conversation light.

  9. I don’t give up at the chance of finding a real relationship

    You’d think that after the rubbish I’ve had to go through I’d say enough is enough and love is overrated, but funnily enough, I haven’t given up. At the time of my breakup and the subsequent bad news I got thereafter, I did think I wasn’t ‘worthy’ of finding love, but I’ve kept my possibilities open, and I haven’t gone actively looking for it, but allowed myself to let things unfold when they need to. I still believe that all these bad relationships have paved the way for the best one yet – the one that will make me truly happy.

  10. The best laid plans sometimes don’t work out, and that’s OKAY

    A very dear friend of mine told me that sometimes plans just don’t seem to go the way we anticipated they would and that’s perfectly alright and improvisation is the key. Following that mantra, I found that even though the plans I had laid out for myself didn’t quite follow through, there is something positive coming out of all of this, and I turned the situation around to make the most of it. And so far, it’s working pretty well.

  11. I chased my dreams

    I took that step. I applied for my Masters in Education so that I could further enhance my career and become a more well-rounded individual. It’s never too late to add another accolade to your repertoire, and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.

  12. I picked up a new language

    Following my trip to Italy earlier this year, I fell in love with the language and the culture. After I returned home, I enrolled for an Italian language course and have been learning and practicing ever since. It’s rewarding and it’s super fun! Benissimo!

  13. I started playing around with my style

    Believe me, nothing is a bigger picker-upper than having fun with hair, clothes and makeup. This year itself, I’ve hacked off over 9 inches of my hair, gotten myself a short bob, dyed my hair a deep purple, bought some fun new clothes, and played around with some new makeup. And it gives me a great little confidence boost.

  14. I reassessed my relationships with people

    I’ve been lucky enough to have a really great group of friends that have stuck around through all my strange phases – but of course I’ve had to reassess some of the ones that have been having a slightly dampening effect. I treasure my friendships dearly, but I’ve seen that there are people who have brought me down and I’ve decided to let them go, in that, if they aren’t going to have a positive impact in my life, I cannot have them around me on a daily basis.

  15. I’ve made friends that have brought out the best in me

    By now, most of you know that I met Austin in the summer when he came to work at my school for 3 months. His personality, his zest for life, and his constant positivity was infectious and it rubbed off on me. He made me love life again, and he made me believe that I am the queen of my castle and nobody and nothing can ever bring me down. We have an everlasting bond that I know will continue even if I’m old and grey with 20 cats and he’s gallivanting all over the world.

  16. I strengthened my friendships with people

    There have been people who have come into my life that I am forever grateful for. Some of these people have boosted my confidence (Diana that’s you!), they made me see that there is good all around and they made feel like I could do anything I set my heart to.

  17. I took the time to apologize to people I missed

    Sometimes, due to circumstances beyond our control we fight with people that we care about deeply. They walk out of our lives for a period of time and someone has to make that first move and that doesn’t make you small. So one day, while I was sitting with a friend in Amsterdam, I texted a very dear friend of mine and apologized to her, and said I wanted to make things alright again. It felt even more rewarding when she replied saying she missed me, and well, the rest they say, is history.

  18. For every one negative thought I had, I thought of three positive things

    “Does he like me?” “Is she mad at me?” “Everything is going wrong!” Every time something like this came into my head, I started thinking of three wonderfully positive things that have happened in my life and just like that, the bad thoughts are gone and I’m in my happy place again. Try it, it works.

  19. I started being more grateful for everything I have

    We take having a roof over our heads, food on our plates, money in our pockets and jobs that we may or may not love for granted. I took the time out to really appreciate how fortunate I am for all of this. So what if things aren’t always smooth sailing? I have all of this plus two great parents that would do anything for me, and have given me the best that they could, how can I not be happy with all of this?

  20. I started pursuing things I love again

    I love to write. I took a big hiatus from writing in the dance music industry because of my job and because I always felt I was never good enough. But, I know that my former editors and writing colleagues have expressed that I couldn’t be further from the truth so I’ve decided to jump back in. I’m doing this for me, and if people have a problem with it, it’s not for me to worry about.

  21. I took the time to focus on myself and being happy

    On the surface, I was laughing, but inside I was miserable. A lot had to do with some of my past relationships. I decided to not let that deter me and I started focusing on myself and realizing that happiness comes from within. That only I can make myself happy and I started focusing on doing just that. And I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders and there’s a skip in my step, and truly, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, as long as it makes ME happy.

  22. I started opening up to my parents again

    Over the last couple of years I found that I had closed off from my mom and dad and I stopped confiding in them. After my break up, I sat down with my mom and told her everything. She didn’t say a word, and just let me talk… and in the end the only thing she said was, “I am so glad you told me everything, I just wish you had told me sooner.” and that’s when I realized, she just wanted to be part of my life and be there for me when I was going through hell. And since then I’ve been talking to her about everything in my life. And it feels so great.

  23. I let go of everything weighing me down

    Eckhart Tolle emphasized that living in now is so important. We can’t live in our past and dwell on it to the point that it consumes us. Living in our past makes us miss the beautiful opportunities that are right in front of us in our present and they zoom by if we don’t open our eyes and see how amazing the present truly is. Following this mantra, I let go. I live in the now and believe me, I’ve grabbed more opportunities than I ever thought possible, and it is truly one of the happiest times in my life.

  24. I began believing in myself again

    I lost myself in a big way. I stopped thinking I was a good person. I stopped thinking I could do anything I set my mind to. I stopped thinking I was worthy of love, or worthy of anything for that matter. After taking a step back, and spending time with myself, I realized I had become this person because of certain people who had a toxic effect in my life. And even if they were gone, I let them still influence my thoughts. Once I let go, I saw semblances of the person I was before I lost myself and it has made me become a better person. And a happier version of myself.

  25. I am who I am today because I chose to make changes in my life, for ME

    It’s NEVER too late to make a change in life and once I began believing that, I see myself shine. I see myself become the person I want to be, and I see myself being confident, independent, strong and fierce. I see people around me who have begun to appreciate me because I don’t hold back, and I don’t put up a facade anymore. Once you truly believe that you want to make a positive change in your life, everything else falls into place and everything you ever wanted, comes to you in ways you least expect.

    You MADE IT TO THE END!
    I really hope that this not-so-little piece made you feel good and inspired you to do whatever great you wanted with your life. Life is so short, we never know what’s going to happen, and one thing that is key is to LIVE IN THE MOMENT. Embrace everything amazing about your life because you are beautiful. Don’t ever sell yourself short, and remember, be FIERCE.

    Until next time,
    Shilpa xoxo

A journey of re-discovery made me the best version of myself

Recently I noticed that there’s been a definite upturn in my life.
My first reaction was, ‘This is too good to be true.’
My second reaction was, ‘I feel better than I ever have.’

So, instead of being maudlin and wondering about the why, I began to embrace the now and started living for the moment, living with the belief that these changes are all part of my shift in how I look at things. And it’s taught me more than I could have ever learnt in the last 3 years.

I went to Europe a couple of weeks ago on a holiday/work trip and before I embarked on this journey, I could already see a few positive changes occurring in my daily life. I tread with caution, but I slowly started accepting that these things are happening to me because it’s part of a bigger plan, and instead of pondering too much over it, I just let myself enjoy every aspect of it.

Europe impacted me this time around in a way I hadn’t expected. I think it had to do a lot with some of the conversations I had, and the people I was with – I began seeing versions of myself that I had lost over the last couple of years and it began to make so much more sense that all of this, is leading me to where I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to be doing – but it taught me so much more…

1. I lived in the moment

I stopped fretting over my past, and I stopped thinking too much about the future. When I started living in the now (Eckhart Tolle once again.), I saw things differently. I realized that I was happy. I was carefree, I was seizing moments like I had never before. All because I started worrying less about things that have already happened, and about things that haven’t happened yet. Simply put – living in the present will completely change how you look at life and your surroundings.

2. I started being ME and not anyone else’s version of me

This was so interesting to watch unfold honestly. I took a step back, and I started letting go  of everything that had been weighing me down for the last few months. I stopped treading on eggshells and started living the way I wanted to, and it began to impact me in a way I hadn’t imagined. I lived. I took things in my stride and I realized, I was beginning to be myself again. And it began impacting my relationships and all the people around me in such a positive way, that I saw myself in a new light.

3. I began to care less about what other people thought

Gosh, if you know me, you know that I have a tendency to do things and act based on people’s perception of me. So I started doing things and behaving in a way that I wanted to, and not because it was expected of me by people around me. I stopped worrying about what people would think of me if I acted in a certain way or anything that I did and I began to live for MYSELF.

4. I stopped trying to change situations

This one has been a bit tricky but, it’s been working. The more I was trying to change something that was probably beyond my control, the more it started having a negative impact on my life. Some things and some people will not change and it isn’t up to you or me to try and change them. You change only because YOU want to, and the quicker you accept it, it will begin to impact you in a positive way. I was happier knowing that the only person I have to change is MYSELF and that is numero uno. Everything and everyone else can take a backseat.

5. I stopped over thinking every little detail of things that were happening

I’m the worst over thinker in the world. And when I decided that over thinking every little detail was working against me, it changed me completely. Over thinking has been my number one nemesis, and before I started driving myself and others bat-shit crazy with my well-spun, ridiculous analogies, I took a step back and realized that it was doing more harm than good. The minute I began to over think less, I began to see life in a completely different light. Everything around me was so much more beautiful than I actually had perceived it to be. Stop overthinking, it is such a downer!

6. I began to seize the moment and believed that I could do whatever I set my heart to

One of the biggest things I realized was that opportunities are knocking at every corner and the best thing I could do was grab them. I could make a change in my life if only I kept my eyes open to the seemingly endless opportunities coming my way and doing something about it. I know I have a plan, and I have actually been channeling my energies towards seeing them through and making them come to life. This is so much more exciting than wondering about everything and everyone else.

7. I began a journey of re-discovery

This was probably the most important thing that occurred. When I stopped doing half of what I had been over the last few months, I began to re-discover myself. I stopped being a worry wart, I stopped being a downer, and I started LIVING. I started finding happiness from within. I started loving the person I could see myself becoming. I started being the person I was always meant to be – not for anyone else, but for myself. And it has been such a rush to discover that THIS is who I am, and THIS is what my life is all about and only I can do more of what makes me happy – without having people TELLING me what to do.

8. The best is yet to come

This is part of the journey. I know that henceforth, whatever happens the best is yet to come. This is just the beginning and I truly believe that the more positive I am in life, the happier I am going to be, and all these little moments are going to lead to the one big moment that will change things forever. And I don’t lose faith because I know what I want, and only I can make it happen. It’s about finding something that truly makes you happy and allowing all the positivity to shine through and accepting that YOU DESERVE THIS.

It’s been such a joy to discover that life is pretty amazing, and there have been a few people that have been part of it, and have just watched while I began to come out of my shell and be myself again. You know who you are, and without you, I wouldn’t be healing and being the person you know I always have been..

Stay positive. Believe in yourself. And seize the day. The world is your oyster and YOU are the king of your castle.

Be fierce.
Shilpa xoxo.

 

I Don’t Need to Validate Myself to Anyone, Except Me.

“Not everyone will like you, and not everyone will appreciate the person you are, and that’s okay.”

These are words I wish I could follow in my teenage years, so that I’d grow up with a thicker skin and not be this sensitive, and not care whether people liked me or not. Unfortunately, although I grew up in a wonderfully happy household, my school years were the worst. I was bullied every single day, and told off for being bigger built than the rest, i.e. I was fat so no one should be my friend. That had such a huge impact on my life to the point that I was always trying to validate myself and make people like me.

Well, as I’ve grown older, I’ve come to realize, why should I care what other people think? The world is filled with people who are quick to point your flaws, and look at the worst version of you – without actually getting to know you. They will forget anything  good you’ve done in a matter of seconds, just because nobody remembers the good, and always remembers that one tiny ‘bad’ thing you did. Those people, they’re the negative ones you don’t need to please, at all.

So, why are we trying to validate ourselves to people who don’t really care?

It’s a question I keep asking myself. Why do I want Jemma from my high school who was popular Nancy’s sister to like me when she sees me at our school reunion? Why do I want Sally, my colleague from HR to think I am an awesome person in the hopes she’ll invite me out with her friends for post-work drinks? It was questions like these that kept buzzing in my brain because I was seeking approval “You’re okay, come sit with us” kind of thing, that eventually my sole focus became about everyone liking and approving of me, rather than having my own individual identity.

I harbored so much insecurity growing up that the minute someone thought I was worthy enough to be their ‘friend’, I’d felt like I had arrived. That someone out there really wanted to hang out with me of all people. How lame is that, really? How many of these people actually care if you’re a good person or not? Probably one or two, but the rest, ah, they can sense insecurity a mile away and find ways to feed off it. They can sense you’re a people-pleaser, they can sense you’re too eager and it’s good for them to take advantage of you – do you want them to be your friends? The only thing that it’s doing is more harm than good. And not to the people we’re trying to please, but to you, your mental well-being and your happiness.

I realized I was losing my own identity in order to ‘fit in’.

How could I maintain a healthy, happy life, and have good, solid friendships if the only thing I was doing was adjusting myself to suit others? I was never the true version of myself because I was constantly changing and adjusting and holding back, that I had begun to lose sight of who I really was. I had to actually take a step back and reflect on what I was doing and I realized, that I didn’t know myself anymore. And that’s when something in me snapped. I was being someone I was not and it was because I wanted every single person in this world to think I was awesome – and I was trying too hard. Happy realization indeed.

Showing my true self has in a way been a blessing – some friendships were solidified and grew stronger, while others moved away, which meant they only liked the version of me that suited them. And that’s OK.

In life, you will not be someone’s cup of tea, and you shouldn’t care. You be your genuine true self, and if a person cannot appreciate that, or cannot like that, they aren’t going to be your friend even if you try and force them. And who wants a friendship that is forced? You’ll realize that you can’t use your humor, you can’t make those kind of inappropriate jokes that they will appreciate, and basically you’ll be adjusting your personality to suit them – and will be walking on eggshells whilst talking to them -Ask yourself,  is it really worth the stress and the drama?

I don’t let others opinion of me dictate how I should behave.

This was one thing I was always doing. CONSTANTLY. Every time someone had an opinion of me that wasn’t ‘good’ I would immediately ponder and ruminate over it and over analyze it to the point it drove me bat-shit crazy. And then I’d allow that dictate my actions and behavior. What for? That person just needed a minute to say something bad about me, and knowing fully well it would affect me, said it. Sadistic little bastard I tell you. And this was a recurring pattern. Even with my ex partner. I realized I had lost most of my real self because of all the things he said to me that he ‘disapproved’ of. And I looked pitiful, to say the least. Alright, bygones. Moving on.

Of course, we do get conscious of what others think of us at times but allowing that to dictate who you are is where the trouble starts. It creeps into you, you start thinking about it and then you start over-thinking and then it affects so many of your relationships that you’ve already built. We all want change in our lives, but changing so that others opinions of you change, so that they like you more, how is that even, healthy?
Being the person you are, and validating yourself to only YOU is all that matters. No one else does. not Jemma or her sister Nancy, not Sally not anyone. They’re people who come and go in your life and they will eventually forget about you. Let the idea of everyone liking the idea of you go, be carefree. Be you, be fierce, be the person you always were and the ones that take to you, will always have your back, and be your real ‘squad’.
Have a fabulous week.

Love,

Shilpa XOXO

Image: Google

 

Just Because I Don’t Have An Ivy League Education Does Not Make Me Non-Marriage Material

I overheard two people talking at a pub – says the first line of this post.

Here’s a little snippet of what I wanted to share:

Person 1: “Mom wants me to get married.” Cue exasperated and exaggerated sigh right here.
Person 2: “This has been an on going thing in your family. What’s the issue?”
Person 1: “Doing the whole arranged thing. Mom’s gotten some decent bios for me to go through.” (Cringing already)
Person 2: “I think, you should just look through the bios where the girls are good looking, and are graduates from reputed overseas universities. That’ll do for your mom.”
(I’m currently rolling my eyes, and face-palming really hard. I bet you are too whilst reading this.)
Person 1: “Yea, I guess so. Mom has to approve. So might as well look through these and take my pick..”
I’m shaking my head in disgust by now. And because I could not go through this entire eavesdropping session without rudely interrupting them and using a string of expletives to tell them how fundamentally sexist, shallow and downright idiotic they sounded, I got up and left. Not without seething in anger and balling up my fists and wanting to punch those morons’ lights out.

So, after I departed the pub, I whipped out my phone and called the then other half (code name: shitface) and asked him, “Babe, why did you marry your ex-wife?” His answer confirmed everything: “She had a double masters from a very good school, and my mom seemed to like what she saw on paper, she seemed to come from a well-to-do family, and so I figured I couldn’t go wrong, but I guess that didn’t work out too well in the end, did it?” (And this is where I should have realized a colossal train wreck in the near future… but we’ll save that for another day.) I got off the phone a little more upset than I’d have imagined, and thought to myself:

  1. Having an education from a reputed/Ivy League university factors into whether you are fundamentally marriage material? and
  2. How shallow are we becoming? Progressive humanity, we are not.

Now, you’re probably thinking that education is important, and I will absolutely agree with you. Fundamentally, should it matter where you got it from, given that how you use it, how it helps in your job prospects is really the idea here? How does that one piece of paper determine the compatibility and the kind of person you are in a marriage? It boggles my mind that it’s such a big deal in choosing a partner.

So this is where I should tell you my own incident – bear with me, it’s a quick story that will reiterate my point.
Shitface (I’m very eloquent.) ended things with me with these delightfully pleasant words:
“Bro (He bro’ed me. He did.), you’re better off without me.” – I’m already ready for the next bit – “I don’t see you as someone I want to settle down with…” And then comes the icing on the cake – “You’re someone who is more of a buddy.” (Then why the f*** were we together for nearly 3 years?) And it gets better – “Someone I can watch movies with, have dinner with, go drinking with…not someone I see spending the rest of my life with.” And that was the last I heard from him. Till I found out that he was getting married to some doctor from somewhere in the sticks. See what I mean? Doctor – more appealing and apparently more’respectable’ to say he settled with someone in medicine rather than, someone who is ‘just’ in the education field (me).

So my wondering here is – why are we so hung up on the titles and degrees that our potential significant others should hold in order for them to be marriage material? Just because I don’t have a Masters from Harvard makes me not suited for marriage? Apparently so. And it isn’t just the millennials who think this way – old aunties and uncles do too. At a wedding, one of my a-foot-in-the-grave aunts says, “Dear, I have a boy for you.” (Major internal eye-roll) – “He’s a doctor living in L.A. He’s very rich. You should meet him, and maybe think about marrying him.” Whoa, slow down. What makes you think any of this is appealing to me? He could be an arrogant jerk, who I am pretty certain I will want to punch in the face so no aunty dearest, I’m going to say hello, have a polite conversation, but I shall not immediately think of marrying him. You see how this is alarmingly a common trend?

Look, face it – we are shallow in some way or the other. When I meet a man, he’s got to speak well. He’s got to be well put together and I will be taking in the clothes he wears, especially if it’s a suit. If he embodies all those traits, (along with several others, but we are doing superficial at the moment) but hasn’t been educated in the top 50 schools, it does not mean I will immediately dismiss him. You will come across men and women who take the education part a bit too seriously – and even if the guy looks like Chris Hemsworth’s doppelgänger, with the heart of Keanu Reeves, but isn’t Harvard educated, they will tell him to bugger off. And it is incredibly disconcerting. You are literally making your choices on a piece of paper that may not even hold any weight in the real world? I actually feel sorry for you. Truly.

I think the world now is so fiercely competitive that people want to show they are better in all aspects of their life. Even whilst choosing a partner – it isn’t just education alone, some want trophy wives or husbands – I’ll give you another example – ‘Your daughter is very pretty, but – my son thinks that she’s too tall (I’m laughing already), she’s not petite, and he wants someone a little more petite.’ Good luck with that. How are you choosing your partners on just their superficial qualities? Have you no heart, and no place for love? Do you want to not have a partner that you can grow old with in good times and bad, have laughs with and build a life together with? Clearly not. And it actually makes me feel sad.

So I’m going to sum up with this: My name is Shilpa, I am happily educated from a non-Ivy League University and I work in education. If that is what you’re judging me on, I wouldn’t hold your breath because I’m already better than you. I’m never going to base my choices on superficiality alone (there will be some, I’m not that stupid.), but I will want someone with whom I can get along with, with whom I can share a laugh with, love with, grow old together with, fight and still be happy with and someone that most importantly respects me, gets me and supports my choices. I am woman, I am pretty awesome, and if you don’t factor that in, you will miss out.

Shilpa, out.
XOXO

 

 

Emotionally Yours, Emotionally Broken.

Disclaimer: Before you read on, this piece is one I wrote after I did some extensive research and began reflecting upon my own relationship. This is by no means a professional piece, it is simply something I put together to share what are some classic signs of emotional abuse – you may have your own version, but please be mindful that I am simply a writer expressing my own thoughts on the matter. Spare me the vitriol and move along if you don’t want to read it. Simple.

I’m going to speak from experience and talk about an issue that we don’t address as often as we would like to – and that is – Emotional abuse.
Many people think that it isn’t really a form of abuse in a relationship, but it is real, and believe me, it can affect a person’s confidence and self-esteem in a way you wouldn’t expect. Unlike physical abuse which is far more dramatic and in-your-face, this is far more subtle, and creeps up on you in a way you wouldn’t expect and would probably ignore or dismiss, without realizing that it will have far-reaching consequences in the long term.

As someone who went through a similar experience very recently, I wanted to share some of the things I’ve noticed occur, and some of the things that you didn’t think would come under the emotional abuse category, but actually does. I was quite surprised at some of the signs that fall under the umbrella, and after some extensive reading, I thought I’d share a few of those with you:

  1. You always feel like you need to take permission from your partner to do things that don’t involve them.
    This is actually one that surprised me a great deal – but apparently, it is something that is a regular occurrence in an emotionally abusive relationship. You have this constant need to ask your other half if you can go out with your friends, meet your colleagues or even if you want to buy that gorgeous new dress from Zara.
  2. They find a way to constantly treat you like a child, and not in a good way.
    This is one of the first red flags you need to be aware of – and it happens more often than not without you realizing it. You think that at first, they’re doing it because they care and want you to be a better version of yourself, but later it becomes far too often and far more ridiculing that you would like.
  3. They out and out call you derogatory names that make you feel worse about yourself.
    Words like ‘slut’, ‘whore’, ‘fat-f***’, – are they angry with you? They can be, but these kind of names are downright demeaning. No, no one has the right to call you ANY of those names, however pissed off they might be.
  4. They’re always right, you are always wrong.
    Basically, you don’t have a say and their word is final. Once, twice, thrice, acceptable but ALL THE BLOODY TIME? You’re basically dismissing the opinion of your partner and saying that their word doesn’t matter, they will ALWAYS be wrong.
  5. You’ll always be inferior to them.
    It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a law degree from Harvard, they’ll never see you as their equal. It doesn’t matter if you’ve worked your butt off to achieve a position that you absolutely deserved, you’re still lower than them. And you’ll remain there.
  6. They make fun of you, ridicule you, and put you down in private and in front of others at any given moment.
    And this should make you realize they don’t give a rats a** about you and will make you a party joke at your expense, no matter how much it hurts you.
  7. They have trouble apologizing.
    Seriously – make a mistake, say sorry. They don’t apologize, they use this line, “I don’t apologize easily.” and expect to get away with it. They actually physically have trouble articulating the word ‘sorry’ – don’t hold your breath, you’re never getting an apology even if it isn’t your fault (but with them, it always is.)
  8. They blame you for a theory they’ve concocted in their head, based on rumors.
    Fact-checking anyone? Believe everyone else, except your partner. Blame them. Belittle them. Don’t ever dismiss the rumors but believe them and accuse and blame your partner, even if they tell you it’s false.
  9. They deflect.
    Trust me when I say this, if they’ve messed up somewhere, they won’t accept their fault. They’ll find some small, insignificant detail and make sure you take the onus for their actions. They can’t be held responsible! How can you ever think that?
  10. They will lower your self-esteem to a point that you feel like the worst version of yourself.
    At the end of the day, they won’t make you feel like a queen, but rather, like the the dirt below the dirt. They have blamed you, brought up all your shortcomings in every conversation, called you names, wounded your pride, ridiculed you, made you feel inferior, hurt your feelings time and time again, disrespected you in public, dismissed your opinions – you almost feel like you aren’t good enough, and perhaps at some point felt like you’re fundamentally unlovable – no one will have you or want you. Lowest point, met.

There are so many more signs and actions that are part of the category of emotional abuse. It’s not a one off thing, it occurs on a regular basis. When I say that it can really make you feel super under confident, I mean in every sense of the word. There are so many more ways that someone can be felt like they are emotionally abused and yes, they probably are all signs. It really does break you, and shake your self-esteem to the very core but if there’s one thing I’ve learnt is that we are a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for. No matter how bad things seem to be, no matter how much self-loathing we go through at the time,  we will always find a way to shine again, and become the best version of ourselves, and one day look back at the toxicity and think, “I am so much happier, so much more confident, and so much stronger without it..”

God bless you.

XOXO,
Shilpa

Your ‘Us’ Is Now Different From My ‘Us’ – And It’s All My Fault

I’ve been his friend more more years than I can count on my fingers and he’s always said that I’m the one person he can turn to for unbridled, unbiased and honest to good advice relating to the women he’s pursuing – be it relationship advice, or be it for when he’s looking for a casual hook up or fling. I’m his 2am call when he’s drunk, I’m his 7am call when he’s at the airport taking a flight, and I’m his middle of the day ‘I just wanted to say hi’ call.  At first, the idea that I was his ‘go-to’ person for relationships/women and all that ‘bro’ stuff made me feel pretty special and important – till that one day when we kissed – and not the friendly peck-between-two-friends mind you, it was a full-blown I-want-you kiss and suddenly everything changed.

As soon as this happened my brain went into overdrive and a couple of things were racing through my poor perplexed mind:

First: ‘I can’t believe that just happened, it’s HIM. This should NOT have happened.’
Second: ‘Holy mother of.. what WAS that? I haven’t felt a spark like that since…NO!’

Yup. So now, my head was a conflict of emotions – Why did that kiss seem so perfect? What will happen to our friendship after this? Is this meant to happen to lead us to something else? Is he my person?
So while my head was spinning with all of these questions, I put on a brave face and decided to confront him and be done with it.

Cut to the next day: We had plans. I said I’d meet him at our favorite restaurant, and  I proceeded to spend a little more time primping and priming – completely unintentionally of course. My hair was on point, eyebrows on fleek, dress doing it’s business – surely, when he saw me he’d notice that I had made an effort? Of course he would, we shared a rather special moment the evening before. How could he not?

I entered the restaurant, saw him sitting at our favorite booth. He wasn’t alone. Strapped to his arm was his latest squeeze – the one he just wanted a ‘casual’ fling with. And he brought her to our lunch. After we kissed. The evening before. What. The. Actual. F***? I smiled, waved and sat down opposite the two of them. And of COURSE he commented on my appearance, ‘I didn’t know you had plans after this… you look way dressed up. Anyone special?’ But before I could answer, he had turned back to his date.

We were introduced, and he informed me that after a lot of thinking and contemplating, he decided to ask her out last night. After we kissed. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? and he acted like nothing was the matter. That last night didn’t exist. OK. Two could play that game. We were friends, and at the end of the day, it was our friendship that trumped everything else. So I let it slide, and pretended that we didn’t ever share that kiss the previous evening.

So we got back to normal, and he never brought it up. We talked about his latest ‘girlfriend’ (we use that term loosely, he’s not into labels per se.) and about how she’s now wanting to do more coupl-y stuff together… And they’d only been dating for a month. He turned to me and said, ‘Why can’t she be more like you? You don’t nag me, you’re so chilled out and anything I tell you doesn’t upset you…’ HANG ON A MINUTE. We aren’t even DATING and he compared her to me. This makes no sense. And suddenly, all those emotions bubbled to the surface. Tears were threatening to fall, but I took in a deep breath and sucked it up.

‘You idiot,’ I said (I have a real way with words.), ‘You’re dating her’ (I’m so eloquent) ‘You can’t compare her to me..please tell me you haven’t said this to her..’
Well, of course he had. And she was livid. And she said that if that’s how he felt, he should date me instead of her, because CLEARLY he wants her to be MORE LIKE ME. On the outside, I’m face-palming hard, on the inside my heart is doing a dance that even Michael Flatley wouldn’t be able to keep up with. This was the moment of truth – we were going to have THE talk. I held my breath, and just as I was about to say something he spoke – ‘It’s you… I can tell you anything. You get me. When I said that I wanted her to be more like you, I meant in a laid-back way. Not always nagging me to do stuff. She misunderstood that I had feelings for you. Dude, it’s US… we’re so alike that people think we’re actually related. And that just makes anything else seem gross..’

Well, that shut me up nicely. So after convincing myself that it was a ‘mistake’ and that the kiss had never happened, things just transgressed into their natural state – him turning to me for womanly advice, and me – churning it out because I loved him that much, and yet there was still a piece of me that wanted things to be different – I was still curious to know if that kiss meant anything to him. Every time I tried to bring it up, he’d remind me that we were friends and that I shouldn’t think too much about this stuff. Sigh. Of course he’d say that.

Obviously, I’m not really thinking about what could have been if he had given into that kiss. Of course I’m not. (Cue eye roll here.). But I will say this – being friends doesn’t mean that my feelings don’t matter. It doesn’t mean that you can go back to being normal without thinking that I’m going to be fine as well. It doesn’t mean that I’m a yo-yo and that you can expect me to be okay because it’s US. There isn’t an us. It is you and me and we are extremely close, but we aren’t an ‘US’ in the way you built my hopes up to be. You need to know that even if I tell you I’m OK, I’m secretly hoping you’ll come to your senses and talk to me about it and realize that maybe this is our shot to be together.
Don’t think that you can toy with my feelings – no matter how unintentional, you still expect me to be okay, because you think that I can handle anything, because I’m your ‘bro’. I’m not your bro – I’m a girl, who was kissed by you and now, although I’m always going to act like a bro to you – my heart will never be the same again.

Until next time, keep smiling.
Love,
SS
xoxo