“I have learned, that the person I have to ask for forgiveness from the most is: myself. You must love yourself. You have to forgive yourself, everyday, whenever you remember a shortcoming, a flaw, you have to tell yourself “That’s just fine”. You have to forgive yourself so much, until you don’t even see those things anymore. Because that’s what love is like.” – C. Joy Bell.
I don’t think a sermon or a self-help post is in order here – This is simply realization of how much I’ve wasted time beating myself up over things and situations I have absolutely no control over.
It has been said and told to me time and time again that someone will love me and give me the kind of love I deserve only if I love myself. I’ve heard this so many times before, and frankly, I keep thinking it is all a bunch of nonsense. I mean how does loving myself constitute to someone loving me? Well.. I was proven wrong.
Believing you are incapable of getting that kind of unconditional love is like digging your own grave. That’s the first insecurity and you should be waving the red flag. This also means that you aren’t able to love yourself – you cannot accept who you are, with your flaws, quirks and do everything to make yourself the ‘ideal’ version of you – someone who is ‘perfect’ – this is subjective because perfection is subjective. [That’s a whole other post]
I could go on about how much you should embrace who you are, and whatever your flaws, someone will accept you for who you are and love you unconditionally, but you’ve heard it all before. The difference here is that after a very nasty, horrifying and mentally traumatizing event that took place in my life at the end of 2008, I couldn’t forgive myself. I always thought that I would pay for every single thing I’ve done and every relationship thereafter suffered. Even my most recent one. Instead of thinking “He loves me and wants to be with me because of ME..” I always thought “What if he leaves me?” – that thought manifested itself to a point where he did.. and I was heartbroken.
Thinking back, I realize that this was my fault. I didn’t love myself enough – how could he love me? If I didn’t accept the person I was, how would he accept me? If I was insecure, it showed in my behaviour and my actions and it led to the inevitable. When it was so perfect in my eyes, why did I go to a point of ruining it?
I’ve now come to the acceptance that I am the person I’ve always been, and I will be this way. If I should make a mistake, someone will still love me for it. I’ve taken the step to forgive myself for all the wrong I’ve done and I know that this is the way things in my life will turn around. I don’t need reaffirmation from anyone, it is only I, ME, MYSELF that can love and accept who I am. I am slowly beginning to believe that I am capable of love, getting it in its fullest, because I love myself and the person I am. With this mantra, I know that things will change, and everything will begin to fall into place.
Acceptance – once you accept who you are, and accept that you are the only person that can change anything that you don’t like about yourself, things will turn around and you will be happy. And don’t we all want to be happy? I’ve begun to do that for myself and I’ve never felt so light-hearted and free. Is this my turning point? Only time will tell.
God bless you all and remember BE HAPPY NOW!! The present is what matters, the past is over and the future is still on it’s way. x