Uncertain Lies The Head

uncertain

I sometimes wonder at the amount of times I’ve questioned myself and the things that have led me to this very moment. This moment where I am writing this post, and wondering if YOU – yes YOU will read it and identify with it, or will you shrug it aside and wave it away thinking that it’s just another load of coddleswap? These words that I’m penning down, are they just a bunch of letters strewn together or am I being clear and engaging you to continue reading as to what I have to say? Ah, my dear friend Uncertainty has made an appearance, once again. Look at all these doubts creeping in. *sigh*.

It isn’t that I’m uncertain about the things I’ve done, and the choices I’ve made – but I’m uncertain as to where I’m going with all of this. I had a cushy desk job, I had a comfortable life that allowed me to travel freely, had a luxurious (relatively speaking) means of living, and I enjoyed the finer things in life. Anyone in my shoes would have been happy with this delightful, and seemingly perfect existence and wouldn’t have thought otherwise.

Cut to that fateful day in 2008 where my entire world was turned upside down. Everything that I thought was perfect, came crashing down in that one earth-shattering moment. This was it – this was the moment that would either make, or break me. I watched my entire world go about their routine – and I realized, I would have to do this too. All on my own, slowly and regain my place in the world and try and fill that void again. Was there uncertainty at this point of time? Absolutely. Did I allow her to take over my life? For a while, yes, yes I did. For a year I spent living in her shadow – doubting every move, and at the same time, making a complete mess of things, and having regrets later. I spiralled, dangerously out of control and continued to live off the beaten path.

Suddenly, I had enough. I was completely destroyed. For the better half of 2010, I continued this charade of not having a single care in the world – but internally, I was empty and my heart felt completely shattered. Not in that broken-hearted “Why did he leave me?” kind of way, but the feeling that I had let not only the people that had some faith in me down, but I had let myself down. And I had nothing to redeem myself. What on earth was I doing?

I tried to put some perspective into what I HAD done, and what I wanted to do to change all of it. But, once again, Ms. Uncertainty – the sneaky little asshat, made her way into my life again. She looked at me squarely and asked me – “Do you honestly think that this is what you want? Are you sure you will get something fruitful out of this?” Fair point, miss, but I am going to prove you wrong – and I did. I worked hard. I found myself a job on absolutely zero special skills, but it was my confidence and my mission to prove Ms. Uncertainty wrong, that pulled me through. I was doing something with my life. I began to take up a few courses and I started studying. I worked my butt off. I went through a lot of pain and a lot of ridicule but I held my ground and continued to pursue what I love. Was I unsure? Yes, completely. But I knew that it was now or never. I’m still ridiculed for a lot of what I do (oh come on – do you think being a writer for dance music is something that many of our ‘prestigious’ friends take seriously? If you say yes, then you need a dose of reality.), and to be honest, I have felt like packing it in and saying “I give up!” because, I still feel like I’ve not done it right. I’m still struggling, and I’m still taken as a fluff writer.

I recently started my own business too, after 6 months of – yep, you guessed it – Uncertainty. And I’ve never felt happier. It’s been a huge step, and every day I go through the fear and the doubt that ultimately, what I want, is not what I’m going to get and I’m going to be stuck in the middle. Not at the top, not at the bottom but a comfortable – middle. Not very motivating or appealing, which is why I keep working at it. I’m still trying to see if I find my place in the world, and it isn’t easy, mind you.

It brings me back to this – I’m sitting here writing this post wondering if you will read it and if you do, will you see it through to the end? If you are reading this line, congratulations – I am happy you made it to the end. It means you were engaged and wanted to read my little diatribe. I’m still uncertain if you like it, if you identify with it, or if you simply like my writing – but whatever it is, I won’t stop, and I’ll continue to write and hope that one day, it tantamounts to something.

My last 2 bits – if you per chance encounter Ms. Uncertainty and she starts shadowing you, don’t ever let her take control, because believe me – Uncertainty can be a bitch.

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One thought on “Uncertain Lies The Head

  1. Ash says:

    Just, wow. Hats off to you. I’ve been in a similar situation – where I lost everything you can possibly think of (health destroyed, job, money down to zero, marriage over, family turned their backs) – and I fought to get myself back on track. I sorted my health out. I got a job that I could manage at that stage, and worked my way up. Only my mum stood by me. Saved some money. Found new relationships. Slowly, but steadily.

    It takes absolute spunk to get your life back. Well done, and hope you stay really happy forever.

    You write well, and I’ve been able to identify with a couple of your posts (being a woman in my thirties and having gone through some similar stuff). I wish I knew you better. 🙂 Love and peace.

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