My dear readers,
I’m pretty sure you’re sick of my ramblings and musings and I do apologize if they are a bit… weepy, but writing has always been a medium for me to express my thoughts. The creative outlet is extremely cathartic for me, and I know that there are a bunch of people (however small..) who do read my posts, and for that I am ever so grateful. It keeps me going and whenever I get some kind of feedback, I feel inspired to write some more, which means you, dear readers get to read some more. It’s win-win for all, truly.
So…I’m going through what is called a transitionary period, where there are abrupt ends to my ‘old’ life, struggles in my emotional well-being, a sense of defeat etc – basically I’ve been getting nothing but kicks in the cojones. Rock-bottom, my old friend, we meet again. You clearly aren’t sick of me yet given I’ve been here so many times before. However, I’m a little tired of meeting you ever so often, so I’m not staying around for too long. It’s frankly, a little annoying. I digress – forgive me. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been at my lowest point lately because of this whole transitionary phase and unless I let go of the old and do it quickly enough, I can’t meet the new and start afresh, which is a bit troublesome because this means – I have to lock away the better times and leave them in a teeny-tiny little box at the back of my brain and walk away.
Oooh. This is a little hard to process.
Yes yes, you all are rolling your eyes and wondering where I’m going with this, but I am making a point. Eventually. You’re going to have to just read on. Right right, I’m carrying on…
So, as I was saying, before I was interrupted by your eye roll, that I’m going to have to walk away from my lock box of memories. Now. THIS is the hard part. I’m not sure if I’m ready to leave those memories behind. My inner self (annoying-self-righteous-always-right little s*** that she is) tells me that it’s the only way I can be happy again. Memories last forever, so it’s not like they’re disappearing anytime soon, they’re just being put away to make way for a new chapter with new memories – that’s what my inner self tells me. She is right. As usual (see? annoying). And I’m just too afraid to actually agree with her. My chain of thought – If I hold on to the past, it may bring back normalcy and everything will be okay because if I let go then I’m forgetting everything and things may just be different.
OK. Yes, by now you might think I have a convoluted way of thinking that is utterly, and terrifyingly negative. And you’re probably right. Imscaredofchange. There, I said it.
Change is inevitable and it will happen at moments when you least expect it, sometimes in subtle ways and sometimes in a great big dramatic swoop (which in my case is seemingly the only way. Mew.) that it catches you completely off-guard. It happens, and there’s a reason for it. It’s because we’ve been too safe in our little bubbles that we’ve fallen into a rut. And the universe wants to shake things around, to give us a challenge and perhaps, make us happier?
Right, so during this transition from old to new, I’ve been miserable. And you already know that. I’ve been thinking about everything else around me, other than fixing myself and being happy. My mother actually yelled at me this morning and said, “F*** everything, and everyone and be happy dammit!” Delightfully poignant and eloquent lady she is, my mum. And like always, she’s probably right. If I’m not happy, how am I supposed to make others around me happy? Sigh. This transition is hard. I’m not sure if I can fully let go of everything, because I feel like I’m forgetting, and that I’m giving up, and that it’s gone for good. Sigh, that’s why memories are there – so that we don’t forget. Ah, this is way too deep for my brain to comprehend at the moment. Onward.
Sigh. I’m sorry I’m being weepy again. It’s been hard. And this last upheaval hit me like a ton of bricks. And I’ve been trying to hold onto it and not lose hope that things will return to normal again. And I keep sending those vibes out to the universe (hey universe, you listening?), so I’m not losing hope. But, I am letting go. And it’s because of something my friends said to me over drinks last night. With our bloodstreams properly infused with alcohol, we began talking about life and about how I have been quite upset over these last couple of weeks. My friend told me that there’s no point in crying, feeling miserable and being sad. Don’t lose hope, but don’t be sad about it – enjoy life and be happy. Wise, wise words my friend. Isn’t it amazing how alcohol can serve as a catalyst for inducing deep, philosophical conversation? Truly.
In my semi-inebriated state (And this morning too, once I was back to full sobriety) I began to realize that I needed to stop wondering about the what if’s and the how come’s and the whys of it all – I don’t have the answers. Speculating, and creating overly dramatic scenarios in my head is doing nothing positive for me. It’s not making me happy, in fact it’s making things worse, and I’m focusing on a situation that is beyond my control. So, even though I’m hurting, I’m going to let things be, and move ahead. Huzzah! I’ve decided to start accepting change!
So ladies and gents, I’m not saying I’m totally alright. I’m getting there. Suddenly I’ll remember something, and I will be overcome with emotion (and tears) – but I’m definitely in better place today than I was before – and I’m going to fix myself and be happy.
I’ll sign off with this famous quote:
“Everything will be OK in the end. And if it’s not OK, it’s not the end.”
Until next time.