I know that it is the season to be jolly and to be thankful. I for the most part am.
However, I am overcome with an impending sense of sadness that is inexplicable.
Without delving further into the year that was – and you and I both know we’ve had a rather topsy-turvy one – I am trying to figure what it is that is actually troubling me at this rather special and joyous time of the year.
I apologize truly, for this seemingly dreary start – but I hope you take a minute to read this and realize that I’m not unhappy, I’m just overwhelmed with an overhaul of emotions that honestly don’t make sense.
I love life, and I love living it to the fullest – and once again, for the most part, I have literally shoved out what everyone else thinks and done things on my terms. However, I’m still in the process of building some kind of confidence – and it hasn’t for the most part been very easy. Shards of negativity, questions of self-doubt and self-loathing, and sometimes ‘Did I piss someone off?’ still creep in, although not half as much as before but these are still thoughts looming over my head. And I know it’s completely stupid because it’s all in my head, but when you’ve done it as long as I have, it takes some time to get over. But the important bit is – I’m TRYING.
The holidays are a very happy time of year, people who live away from their families are back together, and there’s a lot of traveling and movement. I spent the first week of my holidays in Dubai and caught up with friends old and new, and it was refreshing. Beer, good food, good laughs, and really large sized dinners – it was some of the nicest days I’ve had in this extraordinary city.
However, on one of the days, I was suddenly filled with a sense of overwhelming sadness. And also a feeling of being completely alone. For some reason, I couldn’t shake it off – and then it hit me – I think it was owing to the fact that I was looking at people having family, friends, and loved ones by their side sharing this special moment and here I was, gallivanting in one of the most opulent cities – by myself.
And suddenly, out of nowhere, there was insecurity, the over-thinking, and the feeling of people not wanting me around. I expect that it was my brain over analyzing something that was said to me, but I was beginning to feel a bit crappy. I think partly, it had to do with learning that some of the people I considered ‘friends’ had been laughing behind my back, some not so close friends anymore had taken it upon themselves to say rubbish about me to anyone who would lend an ear. And then post passive-aggressive messages about it – and giving me the feeling that some of my other friends were keeping their distance.
So, I’ve taken it upon myself to stop worrying about what the ‘herd’ think. They were never really mine to start with, so why should it bother me what they think? I’m just sorry that they had so much time to invest in speaking about others.
I also clearly recognize that other ‘friends’ have proven themselves to be back stabbers as they’ve maligned my name – so why am I so concerned?
I’m not made of steel, I have feelings, and I am human. I make mistakes, I say things that people use as a joke at my expense, and yes, I’ve allowed to be malleable enough to listen to everyone else except myself. But that really does not mean that people constantly use it as a dinner party conversation.
So to combat all of this, the one thing I have done is allowed myself to feel all these emotions – but not let them take over my every thought. If something is upsetting me with respect to a friend/or someone that I care about, I’ve dealt with the problem head on, rather than allowing it to manifest to a point that it gets ugly. And for the people that have been laughing in my direction, I’ve sort of just let them carry on. I’m glad that I inject humor into their lives. It makes me feel happy.
So although I have probably had a few hits and misses with people, there are a few folk out there who’ve taken the time to actually get to know me, and accepted my flaws, my little nuances and stuck around. It’s refreshing. Of course, there are other friends that have been in my life forever, have disappeared and that’s fine too. I suppose it has to do with people changing, and attitudes changing – some of us are stuck in a rut of emotions, and some of us decided to make an actual effort to change our attitudes to make ourselves happier.
If there’s one thing I can impress upon you, is that we are all where we are in this place and time because it is the right thing for us. It is all part of something wonderful that will unfold in its own time, and we shouldn’t force or rush it. It’s very calming to know that every day, every minute of now is an opportunity we shouldn’t let go by, and grab as soon as we can. Who knows where it will take us?
So I hope, that given a dreary start to this post – which I apologize for again – you understand that I’m not unhappy, but I’m allowing myself to feel what I want to, and then letting it go. Holding on to anything, having grudges is negative and unhealthy and it’s not something I want end the year on, and start the new year with – considering for the last 3 years, I’ve been made to feel like absolute rubbish by people – and that is going to change in 2017, because no matter what happens, I’m going in with the attitude that life is too short, and the only way is UP. I’m fulfilling my dreams and becoming the best version of me, and I hope you will too.
So for the last time this year, be fierce.
Seasons Greetings and Happy 2017.
Much love and see you next year,